Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
You Might Also Like
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.