Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
You Might Also Like
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot