Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
You Might Also Like
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Can’t, holding a grudge
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Sex so good you see dead people.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.