[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
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They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.