Never let them know your next move 😂
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me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.