them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
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I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs