don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
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I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.