Google Pay be like:
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I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
So inspired right now.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
#JohnTravolta
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.