Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
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The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.