I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
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[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
*puts words between two asterisks*
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
#Caturday
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?