Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
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“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter