when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
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Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Thoughts
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.