Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
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When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]