Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
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Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I’m ready for Halloween this year
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.