I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
You Might Also Like
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.