[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
You Might Also Like
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check