HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
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WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
This will never not be funny 😭
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence