accurate
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Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!