For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
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I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Intelligence is the new cleavage
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.