its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
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I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*