Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
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batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Every haunted house movie:
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
kevin is now a local weatherman
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.