Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
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2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
When your parents check you’re ok.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Breaking news:
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie