DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
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the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*