being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
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Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Some people were born into their job.
Ugh but profoundly
Growing up was a huge mistake
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I put the mess in domestic.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Sending in my taxes
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.