Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
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Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog