Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
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Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Put this video in the Louvre
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Scream sneezers need love too.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
#FunnyLife Insects
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.