Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
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Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.