The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
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“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
That eye roll….