Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
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Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
😎 🍻
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.