Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
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Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Who’s your best friend?
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”