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Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
*gets down on one knee*
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!