[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
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Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️