The Birdles
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This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I would like even faster food.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations