[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
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Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole