Put my back out twerking in the library again
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Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Risking my life for fun.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
A tragic love story in two pictures.