My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
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Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.