YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
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This is a true ally.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
who wore it better?
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Happy Halloween 🎃
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues