911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
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Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
#FunnyLife Insects
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
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I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
how to have an accident 101
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.