I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
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out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota