They must have gotten it to go.
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[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
We all have our pet causes.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful