Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
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OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.