me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
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Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
how long have you had this for?
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.