It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
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Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,