“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.