Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
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AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
📽️movie date🎞️