I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
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A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Me My dog
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?