A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
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My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
My love language is deader than Latin
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.