King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
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Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
peeping toms
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.