[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
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My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.