On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
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I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.